NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
