Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
