come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
