Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
