Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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