Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
