Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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