Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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