Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize