I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
