need another drink. this is the easiest way
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I AM VODKA MAN
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Randomize
