I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
