Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize