last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
