omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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