"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
