actually, I'm a sock model
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
