You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
