Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
