I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize