My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
