Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
