I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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