he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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