____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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