if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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