omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i think i have two assholes
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
