She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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