Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
