Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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