someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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