If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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