All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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