You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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