I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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