someone threw a dead crab at me
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
