Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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