I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
