Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
