my phone needs a breathalizer
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
