Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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