She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
