WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
