If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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