Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
