She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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