When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
