so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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