So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
