im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
