I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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