Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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