The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize