I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize