so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just pee around me
I need a beard to bite.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
